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Jul 12, 2005
Another Day, Another Dollar

Today, I feel like I am going to lose it. I go from being fine that I donít have a baby yet, to feeling like my world is spinning out of control. I went back to my RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist) today and it looks like my post IVF ovulation resulting in pregnancy was a fluke. That was my miracle that God or whomever causes miscarriages took away. That is probably not fair to blame God through all of this. I just donít know whom else to blame? Myself? I donít want to hate God, I want to know God and find comfort in God, but I just keep getting these damn curve balls thrown at me. I need a clear path or signal. UghÖ

 

Anyway, back to the plan. Attempt to not go completely crazy before October. We have a trip planned in October that we desperately need. I will spend the time between now and October hopefully not on the pill and hopefully exercising and trying to lose some weight. I know what to do. I just need to do it! I think we will attempt another IVF starting in October, so retrieval and transfer would be in November. I will be freaking 35 before my first child is born if this works. That just really scares me. If I get sick with OHSS again, we will attempt our FET (Frozen Embryo Transfer) and if I am still not pregnant I might look into Ovarian Drilling.

 

I am frustrated beyond belief. However, I donít have any choice but to live my life and try to function as a productive member of society. I am very fortunate in that I have a wonderful loving husband, great friends and family, a gorgeous home etc. I just need to try to keep things in perspective. It kills me that we donít have a baby, literally kills me.


Posted at 02:06 pm by stacya
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Jul 11, 2005
Wabi Sabi

I am going to start off with what I am thankful forÖ other than my wonderful adoring husband and all the stuff he provides me with I am so thankful that at 34 years old, I can still play. I went to the pool and had a great time jumping off the high dive, swimming, attempting flips from the low dive. Never once caring that my hair looked like ass. I then drive by my neighborhood pool and see all the plastic fake boob way too tan women who can not get their perfectly coifed hair wet because then they may not look perfect. Those women who canít leave the house without make-up, I hate them. God forbid they actually get in a pool. Jumping off the diving board, for shame. Seriously, who are the Men that like these women? I have talked to these fake shallow women and these are not the women who enjoy sex. If a Man just wants a fake plastic doll, why not spend the $5,000 and get a real doll? Ok, I digress. I am just glad that I can still play and have a good time.

 

Letís see, this blog is primarily going to be about my infertility journey. This journey from hell has been going on for over 7 years. 2005 has absolutely sucked! It has definitely left me more than ĎA Little Crazyí (nice) I have had one cancelled IVF (Invitro Fertilization), one hospital stay because of OHSS (Ovarian Hyperstimulation Syndrome) followed by that IVF failing and then a pregnancy on my own (how ironic) resulting in miscarriage (thanks God). Now, I am in limbo hoping (obsessing) to get pregnant on my own and trying to decide when to go back for another horrendous IVF with another possible bout with OHSS.

 

Currently, I have convinced my nurse at the Reproductive Endocrinologist to do scans on me to see if any action is going on inside. Last week, I possibly had a follicle deciding to break out. It measured at 12mm and they need to be 20+mm before ovulation. Getting pregnant on my own really threw a wrench into everything. It made me familiar with getting pregnant from sex and also from just one time. This concept is so foreign to me. For us, trying to have a baby has been vaginal ultrasounds, lots of drugs, whacking off to Playboy (my poor DH) and lots of Doctors and nurses seeing me in all my glory. It has been people telling us when to have sex, what to do etc.. so doing it on our own was so nice. I go back tomorrow for a follow up ultrasound. I may have to give up the dream of having it happen on our own. I have PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) and I donít ovulate. When I got pregnant it was a fluke, IVF tricked my system into doing what it was supposed to do. I was/am hopeful that we can get a few more months out of the old goat, but that may not happen. If tomorrow we donít show progress, I will give it up for now and give myself a month or so to prepare for going back to the fertility treatment rollercoaster.


Posted at 09:34 am by stacya
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